Memorial tomorrow

This is Marilea's backyard, where tomorrow's memorial will be held. Paul Andre (pictured) helped me deliver the rental chairs. We'll set up to the right, in the shade--that's where Mudlark will perform "When Love Comes Home," Estelle, Mary and Karen will perform "The Rose," and Michael Irwin will officiate.

It'll be a little cooler tomorrow, for which I'm thankful. It was 100 yesterday. I'm hoping no one feels the need to dress in black or wear a suit and tie; it's not a funeral, it's a celebration of Peg's life.

Peg's brother Jay, brother Mike and his two adult daughters, sister Marianne & Mark and their two girls, Greg and Jeanette are coming over for lunch in a bit, so I need to sign off for now.

Please feel free to spread the word about tomorrow:

Where: 5901 Hoffman Lane, Fair Oaks
When: 10am-1pm
Who's invited: Everyone
Light refreshments provided--just bring yourselves (and maybe a sun hat)

Planting for the future

Yes, this is the same 60' tree that Zoë climbed for years before she got too big for the branches to support her. We planted four of them in 1991. This one is called "Zoë's tree" because it was her favorite. If you look waaaaaaaaay up through the branches you can see her little paper "landmarks"--special names for certain branches and lookouts, written on small pieces of paper and enclosed in packing tape. They go within ten feet of the top.

Talking with her sister Jeanette tonight about what to say at Sunday's memorial. There were so many aspects to her life, but one (of many) that made a lasting difference was her caring and dedication as a psychiatrist. She got many letters toward the end of her life (and afterward) from former patients. All expressing gratitude.

Peg's planting this tree is a metaphor for her approach to psychotherapy. She was willing to go deeply with her patients, to truly help them reclaim their divinity... and their lives.

An old Jewish proverb from the Talmud recounts the story of an old man  planting a sapling by the road.  He's asked why, since he won't enjoy the shade or fruit in his lifetime. His reply? The tree is not for him. It is for his children, and their children, and their children's children.

That was Peggy.

Expecting to fly

Friday I took off my wedding ring for the last time.

I'd only taken it off once before, about 23 years ago, to fix the sink. Felt strange to have it off, even for one hour.
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I was alone in the house. The late afternoon sun was warm and soft through the living room window. I put on "Expecting to fly" by Neil Young, a song Peg and I listened to over and over when we were first together in 1986.

There you stood
on the edge of your feather,
Expecting to fly.
While I laughed,
I wondered whether
I could wave goodbye,
Knowin' that you'd gone.
By the summer it was healing,
We had said goodbye.
All the years
we'd spent with feeling
Ended with a cry,
Babe, ended with a cry,
Babe, ended with a cry.

I sat on the couch for a long time, on the spot where I took off her ring just after she left this world.  I held the rings tightly and spoke to her before placing them on the little dragonfly shrine  on the mantle above the fireplace.

When I walked out into the sun and air, feeling the Delta breeze come up from the back yard, I looked at my hand again. I thought it would feel strange not to wear my ring-- like it did when I removed it the last time-- but this time it felt right.

Solar eclipse: my traveling astronomer

Zoë went with Olivia and Suzette, Olivia's mom, to Reno Sunday to see the full ring effect (Sacramento is too far south). We created a cool 6' long by 1' square viewing device to supplement her telescope and dark glasses, and she spent the day up in the Sierras.

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Between yesterday morning and this afternoon the chain link fence on our side yard has been replaced with a beautiful redwood 6' privacy fence. The space between the two trees is in shade all day, with a wonderful breeze coming up from the bottom of the hill. The last time we used it for anything was maybe 13 years ago, when Zoë's sandbox lived there...hidden behind a big deck,  a jungle of container plants and low-growing redwood branches.

I've spent a lot of time going through the pantry and kitchen cabinets, simplifying and organizing. Zoë and I do not need 30 mason jars, or decorative orderve toothpicks, or a candle snuffer, or four different kinds of leather treatment creams-- or a lot of the other effluvia we've just gotten used to being crammed into the forgotten recesses of a drawer or deep shelf.

While I'm organizing the kitchen, this office looks like an Office Depot supply truck crashed through the window and exploded, spraying cameras, computer equipment, cables and papers everywhere. In some ways, life here at the house is pretty simple--but underneath there's still a lot of chaos left over from everything we've dealt with the last few months.

Need to do a lot of things to get ready for Peg's memorial next weekend. Seems easier somehow to completely redo the yard and the kitchen.

Another Peg sighting?

This is a screen grab from yesterday's blog entry. Notice Steph's expression and the angle of her head...then look at Peg's on the header. And there's the dragonfly in the stained glass. When I see things like this, I wonder if it's a wink and a nod from Peggy.

Girl stuff

Zoë's friends Steph and Olivia had their way with her hair and makeup for over an hour. I enjoyed hearing the sound of girls yakking and laughing. They weren't quite ready when Zoë's date (escort? Male physics friend? Fellow nerd in a tux?) arrived, so I chatted with Nik for a bit.

He appreciated that our house is inhabited by life-size robots from movies and TV. I appreciate that he's not a 25 year-old tattooed biker aking me to loan him gas money for his Harley.

Will I be up waiting for her when she gets home at 1:30am? You bet your sweet ass I will ;-)

So proud of our daughter tonight

Zoë was awarded the "Bronco" award for the Bella Vista Broncos high school swim team. She was chosen out of 50 girls for her dedication, attitude, determination, spirit and character.

When she was selected to receive the "Sportsmanship Award" for the entire league last year--five recreational teams-- Peg and I felt the same way. We were proud of her for being the solid and strong girl she is, regardless of how many races she had won.

I wept when she got the award. Partly because I'm so proud of her and partly because it's another event of so many that Peg won't be there for.

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Tomorrow night is her first date (although she claims it's not a date because there will be a group and they're taking a limousine). A boy from her physics class invited her to the Bella Vista Senior Ball about two weeks before Peg passed.

She was painting her fingernails this afternoon for tonight's swim banquet.  Said she wasn't going to paint her toenails until the last of the paint Peg had put on a month ago had completely chipped away. Sad, and sweet.