Saturday, March 31, 2012

Madeline Kahn, Gilda Radner

On my bike ride today two extraordinarily talented women appeared in my rolling daydream. I remembered that they had both died of ovarian cancer...and then I remembered my reaction to the news of their deaths at the time. I distinctly remember saying, "but they were wealthy celebrities. They had access to the best medical care. How could this have happened?"

I loved Madeline Kahn, especially in "Young Frankenstein," from which Peg and I have quoted freely and frequently over the past 26 years. "The taffeta, darling, the taffeta..." Wonderfully talented comedian and singer. She was 57, the same age Peg is now, when she passed in 1999.

Gilda Radner's illness was somewhat similar to Peggy's; diagnosed, treated, in remission, CA-125 numbers looked good... then it came back. She was 42.

Peg and I talked tonight about the "undone" stuff. She was going to have her wedding ring melted down so she could have a cooler one made from the gold. Was going to see New Zealand after she went into remission the first time. Could have done some fun art classes with her friend Marjorie in Denver, back in the 80's. 

No matter how long any of us live, there will always be things left undone. Places not visited. Things left unsaid. Loose ends.

Peg has made a difference in the world. Many of her former patients have come back from the darkest places to have fulfilling lives today because Peg was so very smart, intuitive, caring and skilled in her work. For the rest of us, our lives are richer for the love, wisdom and wickedly delicious humor she's brought to each of us.  The "undone" stuff is just imaginary. The gifts Peg will leave behind for each of us are real.

Friday, March 30, 2012

Prom dress

Today our friend Marlene stopped by after work to help Zoë fix the strap on her prom dress so it's not scratchy next to her skin. Yes, she's as statuesque as she looks-- just shy of 5'10" or so in the heels she scored at the thrift store for fourteen bucks.

Mary spotted me so I could get a 30 mile ride in. I really needed it...keeps my lid screwed on. Whatever that means.

Peg likes food, but food doesn't like Peg. She threw up after eating really innocuous, bland stuff like a few bites of yogurt. Same thing after a bit of cottage cheese tonight. Seems to do better with just popsicles and water.

This is a significant change. There will be a time, fairly soon, when she won't have energy to do a whole lot besides sleep and be loved. We're still leaning toward (in Peg's case, literally) not getting a hospital bed, but keeping Peg in her familar "nest" on the couch, and our bed, propping her up with pillows if need be.

Tonight a friend spent a couple of hours here. Our kids were on the same soccer team from first grade through sixth. We've always enjoyed her but hadn't spent time together for a year or two. Wonderful, tearful, joyful time with her. My favorite moment of the day: she asked if she could join Peg on the couch...and leaned her sweet head onto Peggy's shoulder while Peg put her arm around her. Peg said that feeling of love and contentment made her day today.

The little moments aren't so little.

Thursday, March 29, 2012

Wish she could fly

The Earth is holding her closer than I'd like tonight.

It smelled so good outside after the rain, with everything blooming, and I wanted so much for her to just be out there for awhile to take it all in, without the pull of gravity. She could only step off the front stoop before she had to go back in and sit down.

Had to spot her while she got ready for bed. I'll ask hospice to send a wheelchair tomorrow. I sold Peg's wheelchair when she went into remission...didn't want to acknowledge that it might be necessary to have access to one again.

Our "half day at a time" saying no longer applies. She had two wonderful visits with friends, watched "Psych" with Zoë and me...then crumped. "Living in the moment" never had the same resonance with me before now.

Looking forward to getting her out of the house, even if it's in a wheelchair. On every sensory level, it's stunning out there.

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Rainy day; Eric gets his ya-ya's out while Peg snuggles in

Raining like hell all afternoon. Perfect day to take the trike out. I transported my shuttle in the Mother Ship to the American River Bike Trail  (just a mile and a half from the house) to avoid the space case drivers texting, yakking and drifting into the bike lane. 24 miles later... Ahhhhh. Trike boy's gonna sleep well tonight.

Peg spent a delightful afternoon with her friend Claudia, then brother-in-law Greg and nephew Jeff stopped by. Greg was also the sushi fairy. Our little swimmer was delighted to hoover down a "Marilyn Monroll" (no, I am not making this up) from Mikuni's after practice.

I don't leave Peg alone these days. She can motor around okay, but can get lightheaded or dizzy. Just not comfortable with the thought of her being here without help. She was ambitious about getting a shower in tonight, but wisely postponed it until tomorrow.  Couldn't keep food down, and a little shaky. I try not to read too much into any changes in her condition.

She loves the rain. We sleep with the windows wide open.  It's really coming down now, a welcome, calming, grounding presence.

Second hospice nurse visit is tomorrow

Palliative care is a whole different ball of wax. The hospice caregivers' objective is not to cure the patient...that horse has been down the road so long it's been sending us postcards from Milwaukee and points east for weeks.

Peg's been eating smaller portions at a time, which makes digestion easier. Kinda dreading tapping her again tomorrow, because I know that fluid imbalance always screws up her appetite...but I also know if we wait too long there will be an even bigger fluid imbalance.

She had a delightful time today with our friend Mary while I got in a bike ride. Down the road we go, a half day at a time.

Monday, March 26, 2012

There are times where you need to freak out. This is not one of them.

Been flooded with emails, some panicky, after my last post.

Peg's health is declining (fatigue, not much appetite) but she's otherwise alert, engaging and able to dress herself and walk unassisted. At some point, this will no longer be the case...but we're not there just yet.

Had a good family cry on the sofa this afternoon with Jeanette, Zoë, Peg and I (and our dear friend Chris, who we would have had with us on the sofa if it was just a wee bit wider).

We talked about what Peg wants for her memorial service. Chris volunteered to have it at her house. Lots of room inside if it rains, beautiful backyard with wonderful old oak trees which Peg has enjoyed over the many years our families have shared swimming, Fourth of July parties, and just hanging out together.

Every day is a new day, and we have no idea what it will bring. Today started out with Peg completely out of gas, and tonight she was up for a long conversation with friends bringing Zelda's pizza and Gunther's ice cream. Zoë went with her friend and her friend's mother to see "The Hunger Games."

The "new normal" is not normal at all, but we're not at the end of the road. When we get there, I'll let you know. Peg is calm about all this...I'm following her lead.

Sunday, March 25, 2012

A hard post to write

Peggy told me this morning that she's fading.

She can't eat enough to keep her weight up, and can't force herself. Today she was on the sofa after being up in the chair for just half an hour.

Trying to wrap my head and heart around all this. Didn't think things would happen so quickly.

xx

A little Tina Fey to keep the dark clouds away

Found a good respite from all this sad and hard stuff. My oldest sister sent us a hardcover copy of Tina Fey's Bossypants, and I read it aloud to Peg while she rested on the couch. Was laughing so hard during parts of the book (say, when she was talking about crotch biscuits) I had to stop for a bit.

I love reading to Peg. I read all 7 Harry Potter books to she and Zoë aloud and did all the character voices. Today I got to channel Paul Lynde.