Headed in the right direction

Peg was able to handle multiple visitors today and even suggested we do a sunset walk at Lake Natoma, about two miles  from our house.  It was stunning.  NIce delta breeze, just chillaxing (as Zoe would say), watching the geese coming in to roost for the night.

She's definitely a creature of habit these days, by her own admission.  Disruption in the routine we've cobbled together as a family  the last two months stresses her out and drags her down.  No California State Fair this year for the Pegster-- we'll do our traditional family portrait for our New Year's letter at the local WalMart, where they have photo booths just outside the store.

She's  starting to put weight back on, and has a bit more energy, but has a deep and aching desire for this to just be over and done with.  It's a grind for Peg, and for Zoe and I as well. Looking forward  to  mid-October, when the last chemo is done and we're off to who knows what but it's better than this.

As Cap'n Jack Sparrow said at the end of "Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl": 

"Bring me that horizon."

Skinny, sweet and scrappy

Every day is different, but in a very different way than it was before Peg was diagnosed.  I think we often take for granted just how different every day holds the possibility of being.  What is a "normal" day, anyway?  I can barely remember what our lives were like before June 12.

Take for example a "routine day." Routine is a relative term.  Often she'll wake up early, say 5am, and camp out on the living room couch, fall into a deep sleep until 8:00 and be very alert for awhile.  One constant is that if  she overexerts herself, she needs a long rest before she can rally again. Generally, later in the afternoon she's more alert and engaging.  We have dinner early and go for a five or ten minute walk if Peg's up for it. And our family ritual before bed is watching "The Daily Show With Jon Stewart."  That's a "normal" day.

She's thin as a rail, but of course smart as hell and focused like a laser beam on keeping track on her caloric intake. She manages to take  in over 2,100 calories a day in that long climb to get back to her normal weight.

This morning before Zoe woke up we took a walk around the park that's two blocks away from our house.  She had to rest at a picnic table halfway around, and the walk pretty much knocked her down until early afternoon.

She thoroughly enjoys visits from friends.  It's hard for her to focus on reading (or even listening to music or watching TV) for more than a few minutes, but having a good friend drop by for conversation, a hand massage or being read to is an experience she engages in on a whole other level.  Kind of a crap shoot as to how long the visit lasts-- when she's poohed, she's really and thoroughly depleted and hopes you understand when she says, "I really need to stop now and rest."

Her attitude is good, and her weight has stabilized.  We're going to start shifting her from emergency-nutrition processed food--the high-calorie "steak dinner in a can" stuff--to more balanced smoothies less loaded with high fructose corn syrup and the other nasty crap she's put up with to keep her weight from going into freefall.

If anyone has held back on calling Peg because you don't want to be intrusive... please call.  I'm self-employed so I'm usually here to shag calls, and if she's not in a good place to talk, I'll let you know.  But she really appreciates connecting with y'all.  916-965-1950. Just be prepared for a short visit, although if  she has the energy, she can chat for a bit.

 

First time in a restaurant in two months

Our friend Mary suggested lunch after taking Peg to her blood draw/analysis... and took her to a great burger place in Granite Bay (Habit).  Not only did Peg have a burger and onion rings, but I was the beneficiary of the four leftover rings.

Here's the straight scoop on onion rings.

If they're crappy, you've gotta eat 'em hot or they'll congeal and turn into inedible goo.  These rings were cool but still incredibly tasty. The mind reels at how good they must have been fresh out of the fryer. Methinks a field trip to Habit is definitely in our future.

Peg's energy is trending in the right direction and her appetite is on the upswing.  We need to work on the exercise part of the program, just managed a short stroll in front of the house tonight.  Living the "box of chocolates" life... you never know what you're going to get.

2,100 calories a day

That's 600 more than the average woman takes in.  It's what Peg has to whomp down to climb back up to her normal weight... a long 15 pounds to go.

Thanks for your many entertaining and fun suggestions on how to do what we're all programmed as adults to avoid.  We're trying not to rely too heavily on dairy, which is the go-to food group for weight gain.  I would hoover down fettucine alfredo all day long, but Peg can't handle large quantities of really fatty stuff.  She paces herself, eating every two hours or so and keeping track of her caloric intake.  She's been very conscientious about keeping well hydrated.

Tomorrow the UPS guy will drop off 24 eight ounce cans of the Mother of All Nutritional Supplements: Rambo.  (Okay, they don't call it Rambo.  I'm a marketing guy, and that's the name I picked for it).  Carnation makes a back-room, CIA clearance-required, stand back and shield your eyes version of their liquid instant breakfast drink: 560 calories in one can.  Booyah.  We're hoping this will reverse the trend of Peg dropping about a pound every few days.

Also tomorrow: our friend Mary takes Peg to the oncologist for a blood draw/analysis; Zoë and her Auntie Jeanette head up to the hills to the Yuba River for a day of swim fun; and I head downtown to take publicity photos of Sacramento's mayor, Kevin Johnson, as he records a video at my friend Bill's production studio.

Every day is absolutely and entirely different.  Looking forward to the structure of Zoë being in school and Peg and I getting a firmer handle on the rhythm of cancer recovery.  We've literally had to reinvent our lives in just 58 days, so once in a while I just have to sit on my ass, stare at the garden, and let it roll over me... and let go.

A core belief of Buddhism is that attachment is the root of all suffering. Not just attachment to things, or people, but to expectations.  Of how things "should" go.  Or what "should" happen next.

I don't belong to any particular religion, including Buddhism, but their approach as I understand it has been immensely helpful to me.  Release is a good thing to do a lot of.  

Being mindful.  Breathing deeply. Taking in simple things.

Pretty amazing what 58 days will do.

A contradiction in weight management

Peg's been dropping abdominal weight, and her fluid bulk is way down.  No more 8-month-pregnant belly. She no longer has to hold her stomach as she walks around and can comfortably lie on her back.

Downside is she's also dropping weight everywhere else. Trying to compensate with Ensure, protein-rich foods, anything she's interested in given her diminished appetite.  Down to 121 pounds from her normal weight of 135-140.  Bony little arms, same sweet face. We don't want her to drop below where she is now... any tips n' tricks, please send our way.

Our girl needs to bulk up, and just to complicate matters... she's no longer that interested in chocolate.

There's a challenge for yah.

A big thanks for all of your prayers, visits, food, Zoë play dates, music CDs, helping around the house, you name it.  We're amazed and overwhelmed at the cornucopia of love and goodwill.

Busy but fun day today

Closed out the day with a visit from Peg's women's group.  The same seven women have met every other Thursday for the last 20 years.  Tonight Jeanette (Peg's sister), Marlene and Marilea chillaxified (Zoë's term) with our family and enjoyed brownies, conversation and a cool delta breeze.

Outside physical contact is now confined to "air hugs" as we're more conscious of Peg's compromised immune system.  She was strong and alert much of the day today and definitely has regained most of her appetite, though she's backed way off on chocolate.  I thought that chocolate was essential to female well-being, but then again, I'm someone who thinks coffee is one of the four major food groups.

Peg enjoys visitors a lot.  We're striking a balance daily with her need for intellectual stimulation/connection with friends and her need to "chillaxify" and not get too physically overwhelmed.

If you drop by to see Peg, be prepared to leave with a boatload o' veggies.  Especially duh-maters (for those of you not from Nebraska, tomatoes).  The cherry tomatoes are like candy. Strawberries look like a lost cause this season... just a bunch of runners and some squirrel-nibbled itty bitty fruit. 

Chemo, round two

Peg will do a four-hour drip (outpatient) this afternoon.  Had a minor freak-out yesterday when Blue Shield was withholding treatment pending approval.  Apparently a twenty-something clerk in a cubicle, in the 20th floor of some nondescript building in San Jose, knows more about a cancer treatment regimen than an oncologist who became a physician before the clerk was born.

Sorry for the sarcasm.  And I'm thankful we actually have insurance.  It's just frustrating and a little scary.